"One of the reporters asked if they could "see" the internet worm. They
tried to explain that it wasn't something that you could actually see but
was merely a program that was running in the background. One of the
reporters asked, 'what if you had a color monitor?'"
Al: Woman, can`t live with them (Al takes a big bite in an apple).
From alt.sysadmin.recovery :
After this guy gets off the phone, I ask him about the DOS part. He
tells me that ALL operating systems in existance are based on MS-DOS, and
UNIX is a shell for DOS, just like Windows. Also, MacOS, MVS, and other
OS's are as well. Microsoft invented the modern computer as known to Man
softwarewise, and Intel invented the CISC processor, which is the reason
other people were making RISC as they could not do a COMPLEX instruction
set like Intel. I then inquired why SPARC boxes were faster than most
Intel chips (at that time), and he told me that nobody knows how to
compile for CISC correctly.
Q: How do you know the difference between your wife, your mistress,
and a hooker?
A: The hooker says "will you be finished soon?"
Your mistress says "are you finished already?"
Your wife says "yellow... I think I will paint the roof yellow."
Prince Charles: "You don't half have a fine pair of knockers, Lady
Parker-Bowles."
Me: (trying to sound chaste and demure) "Yes, my husband does rather
think so."
Me: (trying to maintain my posture in the face of royal perversity) "You
know, Fergie is always horny and available. Do you think we could get
her involved in a threesome?"
Prince Charles: "Oh you know that Mummy doesn't like me playing with my
brother's old toys."
to be continued ...
Understanding Research Papers
THEY WRITE THEY MEAN
It has long been known that... I haven't bothered to look up the reference
...of great theoretical and ...interesting to me
practical importance
While it has not been possible The experiments didn't work out,
to provide definite answers to but I figured I could at least get
these questions... a publication out of it...
The W-Pb system was chosen as The fellow in the next lab had some
especially suitable to show already made up
the predicted behavior...
High purity... Composition unknown except for
Very high purity... exaggerated claims of the supplier
Extremely high purity...
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...
A fiducial reference line... A scratch
Three of the samples were The results of the others didn't make
chosen for detailed study... sense and were ignored...
...handled with extreme care ...not dropped on the floor
during the experiments
Typical results are shown... The best results are shown...
Although some detail has been It is impossible to tell from the
lost in reproduction, it is micrograph
clear from the original
micrograph
Presumably at longer times... I didn't take the time to find out
The agreement with the predicted
curve is:
excellent fair
good poor
satisfactory doubtful
fair imaginary
...as good as could be expected non-existent
These results will be reported I might get around to this sometime
at a later date
The most reliable values are He was a student of mine
those of Jones
It is suggested that...
It is believed that... I think...
It may be that...
It is generally believed that... I have such a good objection to this
answer that I shall now raise it.
It is clear that much additional I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...
Unfortunately, a quantitative Neither does anybody else
theory to account for these
effects has not been formulated
Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude
It is hoped that this work This paper isn't very good but
will stimulate further work neither are any of the others on
in the field this miserable subject
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz Glotz did the work and Doe
for assistance with the explained what it meant
experiments and to John Doe
for valuable discussions
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many OO Engineers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: No, no, no! You're still thinking functionally. The Class
LightSocket inherits the Change method from super-class
Socket, dummy.
If architects had to work like programmers
-------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I
need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between
two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that
the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the
blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also,
bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can
arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than
the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct
all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my
kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have
nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly
maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the
incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials
are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace
for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that
kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952
Gibson refrigerator.
To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire
family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also
our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how
the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a
year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come
to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any
choices that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to
develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this
time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of
the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build
the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and
specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect
the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind
that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It
therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers.
Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a
consensus of the population in my area that they like the features
this house has.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at
this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for
construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held
accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of
later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as
this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be
given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very
often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and
plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the
instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your
responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past
and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this
responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer.
Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
Personal TOPTEN favorite
"Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot"
As presented on the September 8, 1993 (9/8/93) broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
---
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Last modified 24 of April 1995 by d94kli@csd.uu.se